21st May 2014
“Am I alive?” he wonders
He checks all limbs, he checks his groin. All still there.
No new tattoos, “Good!” he thinks.
The room smells of booze and sweat. £10 notes cover the bed and floor. Empty bottles of wine and beer dotted around the room. The sun creeping peeping through the curtains like a child hiding.
“My head” he thinks. “What did I do last night? What did I do all weekend?”
He tries to piece together the bits of memory he has of the last 48 hours. “Why do I do it?”
This isn’t the thoughts of a millionaire playboy. These are the thoughts of Shane Prendergast. A pissed up web designer from Scarborough…and he’s going to be late for work.
He scrabbles around for the cleanest clothes he can find. Today will have to be a shorts and jumper day. He doesn’t bother with socks. Hell, he probably doesn’t bother with underwear.
He drives in to the office slowing down for every fittie he sees. Every one of them could be a future Mrs Prenderegast. Occasionally, he shouts out a “hello darlin!” or a “Want a lift?” They never reply. He doesn’t drive a sports car. It’s more like a plastic box on wheels. He thinks of it like his Shag Magnet when really, it looks like a car a gran would drive, even with alloys.
He bounds into the office and sits down.
Most of the morning will be a breeze. He checks his Facebook to find any evidence of the weekend just gone. No awkward videos of him drunk on the loo. That’s a good sign.
After taking the 15th selfie of the morning, it’s down to work.
In between amends, he takes a selfie to add to his Tinder. He’s trying to find the one or the next one to add to his ever expanding list of made up 800 women.
We’re coming up to lunch. He’s videoed Dan a few times this morning. He’s thinking about the weekend. His attention moves to the woman he likes at the agency. He looks out of the window waiting for her to go for a drink so that he can go over and pretend to be getting something in the hope that she will notice him and they will get married and have babies.
But she doesn’t appear.
A few random tweets later and he’s off for lunch. Nobody really sees him go but he’s soon back with a smile on his face. He loves lunchtimes. He takes another selfie.
The rest of day goes as planned. He’s got 30 more followers on Twitter and friended a few fittys on Facebook. Could one of them be his Mrs Prendergast?
“A quiet one tonight Shane” he thinks. “Maybe a bottle of red”
He says his goodbyes and gets in the Granmobile and heads off home. To get pissed and post videos of himself acting the fool. He’ll watch redtube for a bit and then fall asleep in his clothes until the next morning.
Because that’s what he does.
Shane Prendergast. This pissed up web designer from Scarborough.